A Kino Listicle, foursquare and forsworn
But arugula-flavored gelato?
Ahoy-hoi my dear readers! Yes, I am late with this installment. But better late than never! And here we are with part four of four for the top 40 moomies list. What an ominous number. Four corners. Four directions.
The Compass.
The Coffin.
Yes sir, only the best, most kino kinematic schlock here. All quality trash. As a reminder, this is part four. Read Part the First here. Read Part the Second here. And Part the third here. And on that note, on with the listicle!
31. Starship Troopers (1997)
This moomie allows all of us to psychically torture all the fluffy bunny good-thinking media (sub) literates for ever and ever. I can't get enough of it. This moomie is our Gom Jabbar. Our Voight-Kampff test. And we discover bug-men thereby. By their fruity moomie takes, you will know them.
Verhoeven didn't satirize fascism. He satirized anti-fascism. And the shitlibs are literally too stupid to see it. The only people who think the Federation is evil are those who believe the director's words of commentary. Rather than what they see on screen.
OH NO, clean orderly cities with low crime, prompt justice, mandatory eucivic indoctrination, beautiful photogenic young white people killing man-eating alien bugs! What a dystopia! Lol, lmao, even. When I saw this in the theatre, I wanted that Mobile Infantry tattoo. Are you doing your part?
32. Big Lebowski, The (1998)
Absurdist comedy of errors from the Coen brothers. You can't help but root for these doofuses, especially Jeff Bridge's titular hippie and John Goodman's most boomer boomercon to have ever boomerconed. Poor Donny (Steve Buscemi) should have picked better friends.
Full of quotable lines and just an easy laugh a minute to watch. In hindsight, this film is peak America. The fat whore, coasting on post world war baby boom prosperity and post cold war unipolar peace dividend. That soft world of abundance, that made such soft men is no more. And good riddance.
Frankly, the Nihilists are the only men in this moomie remotely prepared for the horrors soon to arise in the new millennium. To give and to take. For that which we are about receive, oh Lord, make us truly thankful. Although, if your plan requires your GF to sacrifice a toe, maybe you need a new plan. I dunno, I'm not your dad.
33. Dark City (1998)
Matrix, The (1999) but good. Written and directed by Alexander Proyas (see also Crow, The (1994)) and featuring Rufus Sewell, William Hurt, Keifer Sutherland, and the smoke-show Jennifer Connelly, this gnostic-noir bombed on release. But you, fren, aren't like those philistines. You know quality when you see it. And this moomie positively oozes quality.
From the cinematography to the performances, this one is tippy tops. And Jennifer Connelly's rendition of Sway here is to die for. For some unkennable reason they used Anita Kensely for the official soundtrack. Do not recommend. 0/10. Do people really think these are the same person delivering both takes? On that note kiddos, take dance lessons. Learn swing dance, salsa, and ballroom. You’ll thank me later.
34. Ronin (1998)
John Frankenheimer's (Manchurian Candidate, The (1962)) final masterpiece staring DeNiro, Jean Reno, Skarsgaurd, and Sean Bean (who doesn't die for once). Everyone wants the case, including a team of soldiers of fortune hired by PIRA (that’s the Provos, for you kiddos who don’t member the troubles) handlers.
Double and triple crosses ensue. Is anyone who they appear to be? This moomie captures the wilderness of mirrors of clandestine state activities crossing with non-state actors. And with style. Car chases, gun fights, and interpersonal and internal dramatics. This film has it all. Are you labor or management?
35. Soldier (1998)
Written by David Peoples (co-writer on Bladerunner (1982)), directed by Paul Anderson (Event Horizon (1997)), staring Kurt Russell and Gary Busey. Another bomb with theater audiences and critics who didn't get it. But you, fren, you can be one of the chosen few. Those who get it.
Those who appreciate the slick use of color, shadow, and silence. Russell's eponymous soldier has all of 104 words of dialog. Yet he speaks volumes. Rode hard and put away wet, the veteran of a thousand little wars is literally thrown out with the trash. Yeah, in hindsight, right in the feels.
Adopted by a community of castaways, he finally finds something worth killing for without orders. Home. And there was a great killing.
36. Fight Club (1999)
The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club.
But rules are made to be broken. The second best Kali Yuga moomie after Point Break, and based on the book of the same name by Chuck, yeah, that one. After you learn how to dance, maybe you learn how to box, wrestle, and grapple, yeah? You might just be surprised where that goes.
37. Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai (1999)
Written, directed, and produced by Jim Jarmusch (Dead Man (1995)). Staring Forrest Whitaker as the titular Ghost Dog. He’s a weeb-brother who read the Hagakure and based his entire personality on it.
Which makes for rather entertaining moomie as our Dog attempts to navigate his way through mafia machinations while larping as a loyal retainer. When one of his hits goes bad, he gets burned by the boss. Hilarity ensues. A mediation on becoming our habits. Wear the mask long enough and it stops being a mask.
38. Gladiator (2000)
Directed by Sir Ridley Scott (Duelists, The (1977), Alien (1979), Bladerunner (1982), Blackhawk Down (2001), Kingdom of Heaven (2005)). This is simply Scott's best moomie. Which in a career of bangers (before he went insane) is saying something. Russell Crow and Joaquin Phoenix absolutely kill it in this sword and sandal epic of vengeance and brotherhood. And the cinematography is tippy top. Chef's kiss.
39. Way of the Gun (2000)
Step off the path with me. Written and Directed by Christopher McQuarrie (writer for Usual Suspects, The (1995)). This is a noir-western, if that makes sense.
Set in a smoldering latter day Kali Yugic American South-West, two low life petty criminals, Parker (Ryan Phillippe) and Longbaugh (Benicio del Toro) - the real names of Butch Cassidy and Sundance the Kid - with nothing left to lose, gamble their lives on one big score. They kidnap a surrogate mother for a mafia money launderer and his trophy-wife.
Only to be chased by an old bag man (James Caan) and two vengeful body-guards (Taye Diggs and Nicky Katt). This moomie is full of highly stanced voice-filled dialog and excellent gun-handling, bettered only by Heat. Are you a fa660t?
40. Secretary (2002)
James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal light up the screen in an erotic romcom about a maledom lawyer and femsub secretary. How did this moomie even get made? Oh, it was written by a woman. Ofc.
A self-cutting goth girl spiraling towards suicide is saved by an older man who takes charge of her life. Fun times and warcrimes at work commence. Both blossom as each strives to be what the other needs. However, he’s not initially ready to step past that invisible line separating play from the real. Once burned, twice shy.
Unable to resolve the contradictions, he tries to sever the relationship when he realizes he actually cares for her (always a risk, just ask Enry Iggins). Not as a play pal or an employee. But as a woman. She refuses to be set aside. Drama ensues.
But wait, there’s more! Don’t touch that dial, dear readers. Tune in next time for BONUS ROUND! Part Five of Four, honorable mentions! To be continued…
Sparks, play us out!